Is it wrong that just one time I want to be in the family picture and not standing back taking it…
Everyone come out on April 12th at 7pm and play Dodgeball!!!
Can’t believe it’s been 4 years. I miss this so much and I miss these girls even more. I’d kill to get out there for one last race. Never thought I’d miss it this much…
I’ve never had a fortune apply to me so perfectly before. So many people have said this to me before and after last night I think I’ll actually take their advise and worry about myself before others.
I need a hug from my best friend.
I need to be in his arms. I need him to tell me everything will work out, that I can do it as long as I try. I’m so frustrated with my life and everything that’s going on. I just want to hear his voice, I want to hug him and feel completely at ease and forget all my problems. I want to be able to breathe again and not feel like my chest is going going to burst open. But my best friend is thousands of miles away in a submarine somewhere and not answering my email. I really just want a hug and to feel better for a minute. I just want to feel better for a minute.
The more time goes in the more I realize that I’m always on the outside looking in. I’m not part if any one group. I’m not part of the family pictures. I’m always the one that’s just randomly around. I know I’ve jumped around a lot. People tell me all the time. I try so hard to move up, to make myself known, but honestly… I just want to have that group of friends that I can see myself with forever. I’ve never had that. In high school I was friends with the group but never part of it. Now they’re getting married and having babies and they’re still part if each other’s lives and I’m stuck looking in from the outside. Even now, in college, everyone has their family, I’m never part of it. I’m always just around. They go do things and meet each other’s parents and go on vacations together and I’m still stuck on the outside.
I hate this.
Sitting here thinking about the future and I can’t imagine it with out this guy right here!! I absolutely love Lemo to death and don’t know what I would have done without him these past few years! I’ll miss this guy so much next year! I can honestly say he’s one of the best friends I’ve made here at Saint Francis and in life. There has never been a dull moment with him. I wish him nothing but the best in the future and hope all his hopes and dreams come true beyond SFU. I’m so happy to have him as part of my life and hope he always will be.
When it comes down to it all I want is the be loved and love someone back.
I want to pour my heart out to someone and have them do the same for me. I want to fall hopelessly in love and live in a world of delusional bliss. I want to be happy when I wake up and happy when I go to sleep. I want someone there to hold me, to brush their fingers across my skin and send shivers up my spine. I want to feel breathless when I hear that person name and I want them to talk about me like I’m their proudest accomplishment. I want a long lasting love that is forever changing and evolving. I want the type of love that little girls dream about and novelist write books about. I want happiness beyond compare.
The sad truth behind it all is that every time I think I might have a chance at that dream, all the images in my head come crashing down and I’m left with the sad but truthful realization that I am now and will possibly forever be alone in this world where people are made to be in pairs. I am the 3rd wheel that adds some fun but is removed because odd numbers just don’t work as well. I am the one on the outside looking in, the child who stares in the store window every day knowing they will never get the chance to buy what’s inside. I am a singular person in a plural world.
Well I got what I wanted.
I had sex with Logan. Which is what I’ve wanted since that first night in the bar when all this started. So I should be happy right? I’m not.
He’s not who I thought he was. At first I thought he was a great guy, not an asshole, or a flirt, or just out there looking to get laid like everyone else. But the more this went on the more I see that it was wrong and that might be exactly who he is.
He’s a flirt. He’s a drunk ass. He’s out for nothing but a good time. And that’s what he got. There is nothing between us, there never was and there probably never will be.
I wanted there to be. I want something more than a random fuck, a one time thing, or a drunken mistake. I want something real. I want good morning texts, and someone to walk to class with. I want the annoying couple dates at Torvian, I want someone to spend the night with, someone to meet my family. Is that wrong? Am I asking for to much? Everyone around me has exactly what I want. Casey and Kam are basically living together. Nikki has Steve who is madly in love with her and would do absolutely anything for her. Even Jill is finding love for herself, and I couldn’t be more happy for any of them. But when is my turn? I’ve been single for 6 years. I want someone there for me, that loves me, that is part if who I am.
Honestly… I’m beginning to believe that there is no one out there for me. I’m never going to find love. I will be single forever. I’m just not meant to be happy.
Wish I could say I was having fun… Bit I’m not